HOW TO WIN HER LOVE ONCE YOU FOUND HER.

How to Win Her Love, Once You Have Found Her, The Girl You Desire By Rudolph Delson “Maynard & Jennica” is narrated by thirty-odd characters, among them the misanthrope Maynard Gogarty. In the summer of 2005, mid-way through writing the novel, I had a terrible idea: I could write a spin-off, a handbook of romantic advice for the lovelorn, in the voice of Maynard Gogarty, entitled “How To Win Her Love.” It was a terrible idea because no one who reads “Maynard & Jennica” would want Gogarty’s amatory advice. Still, I wrote I felt compelled to write the damned spin-off, and in the end it wasn’t quite in Maynard’s voice anyway. So! What follows is an excerpt from “How To Win Her Love.” By this point, the reader has been advised “How To Be Lovable” and “How To Find The Ideal Creature For You.” Here is “How to Win Her Love, Once You Have Found Her, The Girl You Desire.” –Rudolph Delson She must believe that she will be happiest if she loves you. But if you have followed my advices thus far: You are fit and trim; you are brimming with lucky projects and comic arcana; and you are light-heartedly set on bringing her pleasure — of course she will want to be yours! Still, some men have trouble with the very first words. These, as it happens, are the easiest. Make eye contact with her, and smile, and then: THE FIRST WORDS YOU SHOULD SAY TO HER Say: “Good morning,” or “Good evening” or “Do you have the time?” Or: “What sort of happy hound is this thing at the end of your leash?” Or: “Can I help you get that stroller down these steep, spiral stairs?” Or: “Pardon me, but — is that book any good?” Or: “Pardon me, but — is that zucchini muffin any good?” Or: “Pardon me, but — is that stroller any good?” Or: “It’s a pleasure to meet you! How are you this evening?” As long as you’re polite, she’ll certainly reply. And from there: HOW TO CARRY ON FROM THERE, IN CONVERSATION Flirt. Flirting — like drinking, cooking and sex — is a pastime that is fun from the very outset, yet seldom grows tiresome, even after years. Its four constituent components are humor, compliments, teasing, and empathy. We shall come to these briefly. First we must discuss the red herring of seductive conversation: listening. The catty advice-mongers of broadcast television and the ugly-haired doyennes of hardcover popular psychology have been proclaiming the primacy of “listening” for several decades now. And it is likely that your lovers will have been affected. Even free-thinking women of genius can now be heard to say, of a new beau: “I like him because he listens to me!” How low have we set the standard in the national intellectual life, and how low are our personal standards for sexual gratification, that the capacity to “listen” is considered sexy? Look, if you want to keep a woman around as a lover for more than a day or two, you will want to befriend her; you should never voluntarily spend more than forty-eight hours in the close company of anyone you have not befriended. And, you are no fool, my gentle reader, you know what friendship involves. It involves a well-intentioned partnership, founded on trust and mutual admiration. It also involves, on occasion, wrestling on the carpet in your pajamas — something that too many male friends give up at about age ten. You cannot do any of that with a girl, including the wrestling, without listening. So, be her friend. But, in the meantime, in those crucial first hours, be aware that she is very likely judging you on how well you “listen.” So, ask about her parents and siblings, ask about her work, ask about her recent trip to Iceland or to the Ice Capades, ask about her friends. Pay attention, follow up, hone in on the details, make her laugh. Which brings us to: Constituent Element Number One: Humor You do not need to be hilarious to create the right mood — gaiety and a memory for detail, along with an even mildly surprising remark, are usually enough to raise a smile. And a smile is what you need. Do not try too hard; stand-up comics, by their own admission, lead mostly sexless lives. Just be lighthearted. Say you see a girl lunching on a bench in a corporate plaza, and say you suddenly love her: You: “Those are superb saffron espadrilles!” She: “Thanks. But I don’t think they’re saffron. More peach.” You: “Still. They must be the most daring shoes in the office.” She: “I only work in marketing.” You: “Really! What do you market? Espadrilles? Peaches?” If she is interested in you, she will laugh even at something as simple as this, and take delight in the compliments, and tease you back. If she is not interested, she will mention her boyfriend. But hopefully she will laugh, and maybe even snort — which can be very sexy, if she has a sexy snort, which some women do — and she will be pleased to have met someone so enthusiastic about her shoes and her profession. Constituent Element Number Two: Compliments You should never be short for compliments. If you are speaking for the first time to a woman who is fully clothed, you can compliment her clothes. If she is naked — as sometimes happens at orgies or during violent flooding — you can compliment her skin. If she is masked, you can compliment her voice as well as the artistry of her mask. If she is not masked you can compliment her eyes, and mouth, and teeth, and ears, and cheeks, and nose and skin. And also her voice! Here are some ideas to fall back on if all else fails. Compliment: * How bravely her mutt chased that squirrel; * How adventurously she navigated her inner tube down the Esupos River; * How gracefully she leaped over that vast Venetian puddle; * How neat her purse is; * How cluttered her purse is; * How menacingly she insulted the fans of the opposing soccer club; * How poetically her paper described the paths of the quarks in her zinc collisions; * How dexterously she handcuffed that burglar. In general, delay compliments that indicate that you find her ravishing, sexually, until you have gotten some indication that she would like such words. Few women like wolf-whistles, and fewer still like crass remarks from strangers. (And, if you ever correspond with a woman online, do not send her a photograph of your cock. Because, what could she possible do with it? Admire?) But most women will be flattered to hear what their bridesmaid dress is doing for their ass, especially from a man who has already made them genuinely laugh and clinked their cocktail glass in honor of the bride. And temper your compliments with teasing. Constituent Element Number Three: Teasing As long as it does not upset her, you should tease her, and tease yourself. Tease tall women who wear heels; tease callipygian bridesmaids who repeatedly and with suggestive grunting noises rub their asses across your groin at drunken wedding receptions; tease any woman who corrects your grammar by asking her please to illustrate her point with a sentence diagram. Lovingly compliment a women the first and second time in an hour that she asks if she is beautiful, politely tease her the third time by saying, “Yes, and never vain.” In other words, use teasing to curb a woman’s excesses. But never tease any girl injuriously. Orphans may not be teased about their parents, nor may anorexics be teased about their weight. Also, convicted felons may not be teased about their criminal records. However, if a woman admits that she committed a felony and claims to have eluded justice for the length of the statute of limitations, she should be teased about that, though only when she is sober. A woman who demands compliments exclusively, and who cannot be teased, is seldom the woman for you. A woman who will not let you make fun of yourself is even more dreadful. For this reason, beware of imperious divorcees, humorless fashionistas, rapacious business women and Brazilians. Constituent Element Number Four: Empathy Not that any of this — your teasing and your compliments and your light-hearted wit — should ever trump the overarching humane imperative to empathize. If this woman you have just met is looking for her run-away dog, or is the daughter of the deceased at a funeral, or has just returned from a stint at a camp for famine victims, or is emptying fruit-fly traps for the Parks Department and has just determined that malathion will need to be sprayed on the city again this year, then tenderness is the order of the day. Do not talk of your needs to a woman in grief; only little by little, let her know that you are fascinated with what she does, and how she looks while she does it. On second thought, the woman who was taking fruit-fly samples for the city? She probably needs less than about one minute of empathy. Once you have commiserated about the failure of her fruit fly abatement program, you can compliment her on her jaunty Parks Department hardhat, and ask her to show you the fruit-fly traps, and mention that, the last time the city sprayed, you spent the night in Monterrey. What, she’s never been to Monterrey? She should come! She could wear the hardhat and be the jaunty temptress of Cannery Row! The point is a broad one: When speaking to a woman whose heart you want to win, put yourself in her mind, and imagine how you sound. So, do not make emphatic arguments, do not offend sensibilities needlessly, and do not make a close-minded ass of yourself. If she likes going to museums, do not spout off about Impressionism, or Modernism or the Renaissance. You will say something wrong, you clod. If she is making a career in the empirical sciences, do not talk to her about mysticism or astrology. For example, an acquaintance of mine (a polyamorous yogi) tried to seduce a woman (a monogamous accountant) by telling her that he had dreamed about her, and that his guru interpreted the dream for him, and that the dream was an indication that he and she had been man and wife in Atlantis, and that he had cellular memory of her in his reincarnated form. Also, he insisted that she play Frisbee golf with him, a sport in which she had no interest. Needless to say, he got nowhere. Part Two So, to summarize: Flirt! Smile and flirt! And furthermore, always remember the one inviolable rule of winning her heart: THE ONE INVIOLABLE RULE OF WINNING HER HEART The one inviolable rule of winning the heart of a girl you adore is that you must never leave a conversation with her without some means for procuring a future conversation. If you both use the gym’s rowing machines on Wednesday afternoons, or if she always walks her dog on a certain lawn in a certain park on Saturday mornings, or if you will both be taking the same class in firearm safety in a few weeks, you are probably safe. But if you introduced yourselves to each other at one of those large and anonymous discos run by Bulgarian immigrants in Chinatown tiki bars, or at one of those impersonal parties at a rented corporate venue, where no one knows the host and where androgynous wait-staffers serve meats on wooden skewers, then you had better get her telephone number or her email address. Special rules apply in regards to getting a girl’s telephone number or email address while on mass transportation. 1. While it is proper to stay on a bus or train past your own stop in order to speak with a girl, it is improper to escort her off of the bus or train at her stop — unless she invites you to follow her. You must therefore be prepared to act fast, because it is the rare woman who will stay on after her own stop to speak with you. And what if she is getting off at Powell Street? And you are already at Van Ness? 2. On busses and trains, you should match the volume of your voice to hers — that way the conversation is precisely as private or public as she likes. Still, speak loudly enough that she can hear you. No woman loves a fish-man, whose mouth moves without sound. 3. Do not sit next to a woman you fancy on public transportation, sit across from her — where you can catch her eye. Otherwise the only way to start a conversation will be if you are fortunate enough to have something disrupt the routine of the commute, such as a bomb scare. In the event of a bomb scare, one good way to start a conversation is by saying, as you evacuate the coach, “Ladies first, humble admirers last.” In most cities except San Francisco, the arrival of a putrid passenger on the bus is also an appropriate excuse to strike up a conversation with a girl you are sitting next to. Crinkle your nose and whisper, “Should we offer him a shower?” Or, if you have one, offer the girl a nosegay! 4. Never sit or stand more closely than is absolutely dictated by the crowdedness of the bus or train. It is simply too creepy to share a bench with a stranger when the whole rest of the coach is empty. 5. If you sit beside a pretty girl on an airplane, do not introduce yourself before the arrival of the drink cart, and do not ask for her telephone number or email address before the plane has landed and is taxiing toward the gate. Anything else would seem overanxious. Do, however, offer to help her with her bags, and compliment her on her packing. Only in cases of extreme confidence or extreme indifference should you rely exclusively on giving a girl your telephone or email; women are too often unreliable in contacting men. This is your sex life we are talking about, and you should never take unnecessary chances. That said, it is never a bad idea to have cards printed with your name and contact information, so that, even if you have only a split second to act — such as occasionally happens when you fall instantly in love with a woman who is sweeping by you while riding an inner tube down the Esupos River, or who is accidentally trampling over you during a stampede at a soccer championship in Sao Paolo — you can at least give her some means to find you. Such cards should be handsomely designed and charmingly phrased. After all, once the stampede or inner tube ride is over, she may be filled with other powerful impressions of joy or suffering, and your card will be the only thing to remind her of your wit and good looks. For example, your card might say: President and Chairman Consolidated Wheelwrights, LLC. When she has the time to look at the card, she will be intrigued, and will send you an email asking if you really are a wheelwright, and would you come and wright her wheels? That is as sultry a come-on line as you can expect from any woman, and you are well on your way, you lucky fellow. Remember how beautiful she looked with her face painted in the war colors of her soccer team? Or with her bare legs draped over the rubber of the inner tube, her bottle of beer and her bikini-clad rump cooling in the river’s icy rapids? That’s why you gave her your card! Now just imagine her in your bed! Which is to say: The aim of speaking with her is to bring about a situation where the two of you are alone together, in some private spot, perhaps eating, perhaps drinking, but in any event fondling and kissing. Whether that happens minutes or years after your first meeting I cannot promise — but remember the planetarium. Your aim is the same, and you should be patient. Part Three WHAT SORTS OF THINGS TO DO FOR HER As soon as you can, you should invite her to partake of your happiness. From the moment you meet, your actions should reflect your masculinity and your tenderness. That way, from the very outset, she associates you with sensual pleasure and gladness overall. All the things you have done to make yourself happy — the glacier expeditions you set out on, the mules and hinnies you trade up and down the Nile, the daytime television dramas you write, the powerful swimmer’s arms you’ve built, your midnight ping-pong league — it is all for her enjoyment. Ask her to come with you, and then, when she comes, ensure her pleasure. And when you are alone together on the glacier expedition, your sensitive scientific instruments packed up for the night, huddled in a two-man tent that is held by long, steel pegs to the face of a gale-swept dome of arctic ice, eating lamb pilaf artfully stewed on a chemical stove and uncorking the bottle of Sauternes you packed up from base-camp, she will take off her clothes and ask to share your sleeping bag, and she will be all yours, with her powerful hiker’s thighs and sensitive scientific breasts. Same basic thing with the mules, the soaps, the swimming, the ping-pong. Some miscellaneous words of caution and advice: Sports: If you live in Berlin, a midnight ping-pong league that meets in abandoned Communist gas-stations and abandoned Communist apartment blocks is an excellent way to meet promiscuous women. (This is important because German women are not very promiscuous in general; for this reason, French, Italian, Spanish, or Czech, if it is offered, are better languages to learn in high school.) Let the German girl beat you at ping-pong, then share a few cigarettes. American girls are less given to table tennis than Germans, and are also less given to midnight sports, but they do like to play Frisbee in the park as late at 9 p.m. Other excellent suggestions are swimming and tree-climbing. Poems: Do not expect any woman to appreciate any love poems you write about her. The main reason is that you are probably a crummy poet. And even if you are not, even if your poems are as agile as tadpoles and twice as promising, it is rare to find a woman who is a fine reader of poems, and rarer still to catch such a woman in a perfectly receptive mood. There is a reason that Shakespeare had to write more than one sonnet to win his love. And believe me, you are no Shakespeare. Even if you were, remember: Shakespeare was only trying to seduce a bisexual man. Straight women are harder. Cottages: That said, there is no harm in writing poems about a woman you love if you share them with no one, or if you are able to publish them profitably and buy a cottage that women can come visit you in. In fact, some women might even like the challenge of trying to draw you out of your poetical seclusion. If a girl comes to visit you in your hermitage, arriving in a dusty car after midnight, make her sleep on the guest cot. Then, rise earlier than the dawn; walk to your small, cold shoreline; write brisk couplets while waiting for a vigorous bite on your fishing line; and wake up your lovely visitor to the sound of water boiling for coffee and of trout frying for breakfast. Serve the trout with fresh grits and Tabasco sauce, and she will be in your arms by noon. That said, no poet’s cottage, even if it is on a lake island, should be made of clay and wattles. Shoddily constructed cottages indicate poor book sales. Open-Mikes, Movies & Dinner Parties: Never suggest any sort of open mike function to a woman unless you have absolutely no other way of meeting with her. Because, how can you ensure that an open mike will be fun? What if bores take over the mike, or assholes? For the same reason, going to a new movie together is nearly always a sorry suggestion for a date. What if the script was written by bores, or assholes? In some bleak and religious parts of America, Christian poetry slams and bad blockbusters may seem like the only things to do, but remember that, no matter what state you live in, you can always throw a small secular dinner party and invite your girl over as one of your guests. Sometimes this may seem like a ploy, and so one alternative is to conspire with a girl’s friends, and have them to host the party. In that case, you should offer to do all of the shopping and cooking yourself, if the friends will wash the dishes. The reason that the friends must wash the dishes is that then it will be less obvious when you and your girl withdraw after dinner to make out in the driveway. Part Four More miscellaneous words of caution and advice: Alcohol: It is a sorry sap who has to liquor every one of his lovers up — but still, alcohol is the only aphrodisiac known to medicine, and so you should never be short a suggestion for a drink. In humid heat, suggest vodka tonics; in heavy frost, wassail. A bottle of wine is often the best suggestion, though, as once it is open, well, you really should finish it off! And a rosy-cheeked woman who has enjoyed two glasses of wine is much more lush with pleasure than is some skinny chick who has sipped down a single light beer. Bicycles: Shopping for a bicycle can be an excellent first date, because you